It Matters
We're all going to die one day. When that time comes it doesn't matter what kind of a life you lived, many people will say kind things about you. The rest of us will relive good times and speak of the qualities that defined you. All expectations of your existence will be put to rest alongside your tombstone and our tears. There will be no resolution of past concerns, no needs, no more phone calls or birthday parties. The absence of interaction will create a freedom to simply enjoy what once was.
In death we are no longer required to answer to anyone. In life we are. With every breath we have an accountability to the one who gave us that breath. How many of us are living as though we're already dead? As if that breath is our entitlement as a consumer of the right to exist?
Life is a gift. Life in a well developed First World Country is more than a gift, it is a privilege. I am so humbled by this thought. I am so grateful for what I have been given.
The last 2 months have been C.H.A.O.T.I.C. in this house. We've been busy in every way and it has pushed me beyond where I feel comfortable and challenged my ideals as a mother. I reached my breaking point about 4 weeks ago. I was regularly experiencing chest pains and severe anxiety with physical manifestation. I've never dealt with that before. I was so traumatized by the end of the day I didn't even care about the healthy practices I normally incorporate into my evening routine. All I could do is sit and stare into the void of my phone. God had been calling me to prophesy and speak over my life for months at that point. I felt like that deserved a lot of effort so I put it off. I felt like I was hanging by a thread. One night all I could muster was an emphatically whispered "Help me!" before drifting off to sleep. Peace came the next day. Clarity began to break through. A short while later He prompted me again, "Prophesy over your life!". That night after my screen time soul drain I made it happen. With the enthusiasm of a 13 year old boy preparing to clean a bathroom I grabbed my journal and scribbled 3 promises God has given me and 3 realistic goals for my near future. The next day I had more freedom. I had more clarity.
For weeks all I could muster was a willingness to say, "I'm here and I still want to be yours". He asked me where I had left my dreams. He reminded me to take care of them. He reminded me to nurture them in their infancy and that no dream is given in vain.
I began to think about them again. I sat with them. I ran my fingers through the pages of notebooks filled with passionately described visions and cries of my heart. I softened as I let them in again.
It has been a few weeks. I am coming back to life more and more each day. I've been given the clarity to know how to adjust my priorities so I can be more in line with the very reasons I am here on Earth. I am so thankful. I am still very tired and sometimes very shaky but I am coming back.
Tonight I was wrestling with ideas that often haunt me. I so desperately want to make my every breath count. I do not want a day of my life to be spent on the middle ground of mundane, repetitive, and meaningless. There are dreams I have yet to dance with because they mean too much and my heart is not quite strong enough to hold them right now. I do not want kind words to be said upon my passing. I want to live a life that reaps a harvest that needs no introduction, no acknowledgement. I want to bless others to such an extent that they cannot even say it was me, because the blessings are so powerful, so supernatural no human is capable and the only explanation is that God used me to show His insanely righteous love.
I hope that my every breath is taken in humility and a grace beyond measure, that my little lungs and my sometimes sad and very tired heart bring Honor to the one who set me free.
In death we are no longer required to answer to anyone. In life we are. With every breath we have an accountability to the one who gave us that breath. How many of us are living as though we're already dead? As if that breath is our entitlement as a consumer of the right to exist?
Life is a gift. Life in a well developed First World Country is more than a gift, it is a privilege. I am so humbled by this thought. I am so grateful for what I have been given.
The last 2 months have been C.H.A.O.T.I.C. in this house. We've been busy in every way and it has pushed me beyond where I feel comfortable and challenged my ideals as a mother. I reached my breaking point about 4 weeks ago. I was regularly experiencing chest pains and severe anxiety with physical manifestation. I've never dealt with that before. I was so traumatized by the end of the day I didn't even care about the healthy practices I normally incorporate into my evening routine. All I could do is sit and stare into the void of my phone. God had been calling me to prophesy and speak over my life for months at that point. I felt like that deserved a lot of effort so I put it off. I felt like I was hanging by a thread. One night all I could muster was an emphatically whispered "Help me!" before drifting off to sleep. Peace came the next day. Clarity began to break through. A short while later He prompted me again, "Prophesy over your life!". That night after my screen time soul drain I made it happen. With the enthusiasm of a 13 year old boy preparing to clean a bathroom I grabbed my journal and scribbled 3 promises God has given me and 3 realistic goals for my near future. The next day I had more freedom. I had more clarity.
For weeks all I could muster was a willingness to say, "I'm here and I still want to be yours". He asked me where I had left my dreams. He reminded me to take care of them. He reminded me to nurture them in their infancy and that no dream is given in vain.
I began to think about them again. I sat with them. I ran my fingers through the pages of notebooks filled with passionately described visions and cries of my heart. I softened as I let them in again.
It has been a few weeks. I am coming back to life more and more each day. I've been given the clarity to know how to adjust my priorities so I can be more in line with the very reasons I am here on Earth. I am so thankful. I am still very tired and sometimes very shaky but I am coming back.
Tonight I was wrestling with ideas that often haunt me. I so desperately want to make my every breath count. I do not want a day of my life to be spent on the middle ground of mundane, repetitive, and meaningless. There are dreams I have yet to dance with because they mean too much and my heart is not quite strong enough to hold them right now. I do not want kind words to be said upon my passing. I want to live a life that reaps a harvest that needs no introduction, no acknowledgement. I want to bless others to such an extent that they cannot even say it was me, because the blessings are so powerful, so supernatural no human is capable and the only explanation is that God used me to show His insanely righteous love.
I hope that my every breath is taken in humility and a grace beyond measure, that my little lungs and my sometimes sad and very tired heart bring Honor to the one who set me free.
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