New Year, New...same old trajectory
Yo, it was just my birthday. I'm in my mid thirties and while that is like, so unsexy sounding its really not that bad. Last year I was given an order to rest, focus on my family, nurture and nourish myself until I was finally full. It was terrible timing. It put all financial burden on my husband just before we hit some hardships. It felt indulgent which made me feel guilty. I had worked hard to learn the discipline of working beyond my comfort zone and now here I was explaining why I shouldn't get a side gig and its because I'm supposed to do more yoga. Here's how that happened.
After my divorce (thank you Jesus, every single day) I had 5 kids watching me, learning what someone does when faced with a challenge. I had every harsh word I've ever spoken to my mother about her behavior after her divorce echoing in my head. I felt like I had the world looking on saying "I thought you said you knew what you were doing? What are you gonna do now?" The pressure was on and the time was now, well, the time was then (time isn't real but ok). I came up with a plan that would provide flexibility and multiple avenues of income. I decided to get my AS in Accounting and also become a certified personal trainer because divorce = instant weight loss and besides, I love health and fitness. I started studying before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I moved back to California, suffered through hell for a short while, got remarried to a man who was legally blind, and then signed up for accounting classes. There was a time I worked 6 days a week. There was a time I took a full load of classes and worked 30 hours while also being a mother to 6. My husband was home with the kids and was a great housekeeper and caregiver but I did all of the driving/shopping/planning. Our life was insane.
Halfway through my schooling I got pregnant. I continued my classes, had Sawyer over the summer and went back to online classes that fall. Shortly before Sawyer arrived my husband's vision was healed. Do you follow? Divorce, new blind husband, work work work, pregnant, miraculous healing.... baby. Pretty intense. I refused to stop. I refused to slow down. I refused to fail. It was hard. We were so poor that one year the only Christmas gifts the kids got were donated from church. So poor. God, like everything was difficult. I kept my eyes on my goals. I maintained faith that the decisions that led me to this point were well thought out and wise. Its really important to do that. Check yourself. "Why am I here and what am I doing?" WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Seriously. Is everything awful? Its either awful because you have made some really bad choices and you're dealing with consequences or its awful because sometimes we gotta walk though the mud. If you haven't been paying attention for a while you may need to get real with yourself and see what got you in this mess.
Back to the instructions I was given last year. After I received my accounting certificate I was told to rest. Long walks, yoga, and journaling. That's it. No more homework after the kid's bedtime. Just me, God, and letting go. So I did it. I obeyed. I burned a lot of candles and created basically the worst most ungroomed Pandora station ever. Home Depot commercials mid meditation are awful but its all about strength of mind, right? My husband saw me come back to life. I felt real. As the year progressed, and oh yeah I was pregnant again, that high strung slightly miserable person fell away. I allowed myself to be a recluse. It got to the point where someone indirectly asked me if I was being abused....because didn't have the emotional wells to carry on a social life. I did whatever I needed to do, no pressures just self care and reclaiming my motherhood. I must have looked like a weirdo from the outside but they didn't have to live with my weary soul that came along with following social norms.
My birthday gave me an opportunity to look back at where this year has brought me. I am in awe. I am so thankful that I feel mature, I feel like an effing mature lady who mostly always knows when to bite her tongue and can almost carry on regular conversations with people she doesn't know. I don't feel like dying when I'm socializing with moms. Oh! That's the other thing! I have friends now. Human beings who I jive with and flow and I'm not a charity case in the throes of burden. I'm back but I'm so much more than I was before. My heart has fallen to the ground weeping in gratitude for all I have been given.
So yeah, I had a birthday and time to reflect. Life is changing speed right now, I can feel it ramping up. I am happier, more present, more grateful than ever and most importantly, free.
love and blessings,
diana
After my divorce (thank you Jesus, every single day) I had 5 kids watching me, learning what someone does when faced with a challenge. I had every harsh word I've ever spoken to my mother about her behavior after her divorce echoing in my head. I felt like I had the world looking on saying "I thought you said you knew what you were doing? What are you gonna do now?" The pressure was on and the time was now, well, the time was then (time isn't real but ok). I came up with a plan that would provide flexibility and multiple avenues of income. I decided to get my AS in Accounting and also become a certified personal trainer because divorce = instant weight loss and besides, I love health and fitness. I started studying before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I moved back to California, suffered through hell for a short while, got remarried to a man who was legally blind, and then signed up for accounting classes. There was a time I worked 6 days a week. There was a time I took a full load of classes and worked 30 hours while also being a mother to 6. My husband was home with the kids and was a great housekeeper and caregiver but I did all of the driving/shopping/planning. Our life was insane.
Halfway through my schooling I got pregnant. I continued my classes, had Sawyer over the summer and went back to online classes that fall. Shortly before Sawyer arrived my husband's vision was healed. Do you follow? Divorce, new blind husband, work work work, pregnant, miraculous healing.... baby. Pretty intense. I refused to stop. I refused to slow down. I refused to fail. It was hard. We were so poor that one year the only Christmas gifts the kids got were donated from church. So poor. God, like everything was difficult. I kept my eyes on my goals. I maintained faith that the decisions that led me to this point were well thought out and wise. Its really important to do that. Check yourself. "Why am I here and what am I doing?" WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Seriously. Is everything awful? Its either awful because you have made some really bad choices and you're dealing with consequences or its awful because sometimes we gotta walk though the mud. If you haven't been paying attention for a while you may need to get real with yourself and see what got you in this mess.
Back to the instructions I was given last year. After I received my accounting certificate I was told to rest. Long walks, yoga, and journaling. That's it. No more homework after the kid's bedtime. Just me, God, and letting go. So I did it. I obeyed. I burned a lot of candles and created basically the worst most ungroomed Pandora station ever. Home Depot commercials mid meditation are awful but its all about strength of mind, right? My husband saw me come back to life. I felt real. As the year progressed, and oh yeah I was pregnant again, that high strung slightly miserable person fell away. I allowed myself to be a recluse. It got to the point where someone indirectly asked me if I was being abused....because didn't have the emotional wells to carry on a social life. I did whatever I needed to do, no pressures just self care and reclaiming my motherhood. I must have looked like a weirdo from the outside but they didn't have to live with my weary soul that came along with following social norms.
My birthday gave me an opportunity to look back at where this year has brought me. I am in awe. I am so thankful that I feel mature, I feel like an effing mature lady who mostly always knows when to bite her tongue and can almost carry on regular conversations with people she doesn't know. I don't feel like dying when I'm socializing with moms. Oh! That's the other thing! I have friends now. Human beings who I jive with and flow and I'm not a charity case in the throes of burden. I'm back but I'm so much more than I was before. My heart has fallen to the ground weeping in gratitude for all I have been given.
So yeah, I had a birthday and time to reflect. Life is changing speed right now, I can feel it ramping up. I am happier, more present, more grateful than ever and most importantly, free.
love and blessings,
diana
Amazing! 💗
ReplyDeleteAnd as equally important...rested!
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