Who Said?

  A few years ago I decided it was time for a new Bible. Mine was falling apart at the binding, a few pages have been ripped and the selling point is that it was actually a gift from my ex-husband....it was originally a gift to him so it HAD HIS NAME ENGRAVED ON THE COVER! I definitely gave the leather cover a trim many years ago, I removed the pages that listed important life events too. When I went through the divorce I experienced a crisis of faith that took me to the very edge of what I believed. I remember the moment when my heart felt like it could implode and my reality was an explosive disaster of shattered hope, intentions, and betrayal. It was very, very bad. I had established my life on bad theology and half truths that failed me and caused me great harm. There was a moment in all of this, I don't remember how long it lasted, possibly a day, possibly a few weeks, I stood on the brink of my faith in a place of devastation and I asked myself if this is what would end it for me. 

  I paused and I asked, "This is what happened to you when you obeyed God and lived to please Him, will you now turn your back on God?"

  There was never a moment when the answer was maybe yes. I was very mad and I was very hurt but those things came from incorrect beliefs (they also called LIES). I was mostly mad that He had allowed me to have those harmful beliefs about life and love and security and holiness. 

  After the devastation settled and I moved on and I didn't hate God anymore I REALLY hated where my Bible came from. I wanted to move on symbolically the same way I was in my life. Instead I decided to hang on to it, because it is a really good Bible and none of the lies I believed ever came from those pages. 

  Anyway....A few years ago I wanted a new Bible but I decided I could not buy a new Bible until I had read the entire thing front to back. So, 2 years ago, I started at the front and I have made it halfway through the book of Numbers. Yes I am embarrassed by this. Yes I have read other books in that time. I no longer have a time frame for this effort because ya know, the Lord forgives. 

  One thing I have learned is that the Old Testament is just so full of great bits! (in between the laws and counting and names and stuff) When I was a kid in Sunday school the great characters of the Bible were painted to be so holy and gracious and obedient and wise. They were not like us except for maybe Judas, Pre-Paul-Saul, and the other sinners. Certainly David, and Moses, and even Jonah were actually really stellar humans. As a child I had a love for God and a heart that wanted to serve but I was taught that you had to be good enough to do that. I was taught that He only chooses a few and I was not special enough for Him to choose me. I desperately wanted to be good enough to be one of His holy people. I didn't have the family who wore homemade clothing and spent years on the mission field in Bangladesh. I didn't hear God speak. My parents smoked cigarettes. My teachers and Sunday School leaders never thought I was anything special, I was TERRIBLE at memorizing scriptures and I was appalled by communion crackers. I also seem to remember my tights were always a bit too small and my shoes never fit right. Church was basically a nightmare for a shy little girl who never felt like she fit in and wore itchy dresses and that left me believing I would never measure up in God's eyes.

  Here's where we get to the point of this. I was reading about Moses the other night and my 15 year old started talking to me. I started to go on and on about how Moses had quite a few character flaws and kinda sucked as a leader. (I'm so sorry). I told my son about how he argued with God about his speaking ability and he had to wrangle all these bratty Israelites that just made so many bad choices, and that he got a sassy with God when he hit the rock TWICE!!(I definitely know which of my children would behave in exactly the same way.) I read those things and I think "Wow, I would never...." and then I realize yes, yes I would. Yes I am sassy and I blame God for things He did not cause and I doubt my abilities when He is calling out to me and speaking over me the purpose and service He has created me for! I do that, just like Moses did. I hope I never create a situation where I actually lose my promised land but I find great comfort in the fact that God chose someone with significant character flaws to do some amazing things. 

  This is it: Who told you that you aren't good enough? Who told you that you missed your chance, you slipped up too many times, you're nothing special, the world doesn't want you, you have nothing to give? Who told you those things? Who told you there's not enough time, you're not educated enough, you don't know the right people, you don't have "the look", you aren't pretty, you aren't charismatic, you aren't clever, you aren't HOLY, you aren't WORTHY, you aren't REDEEMED, you aren't RIGHTEOUS??? Who told you those things? I don't think there is one sliver of our Father that believes you are not good enough for Him to love. Those words are lies spoken over you to bind you and hold you back from the abundantly joyful and life giving purpose you were created for. He LOVES you...And for the record there is not one thing accomplished in His kingdom that is done because of our own abilities. Our call is a supernatural opportunity to be vessels of His magnificent Spirit and share His goodness so you can't ever be good enough anyway! ha!

So, thank you so much for following my zig-zaggy story. God loves you. He sees you. He knows your every fear and insecurity and He thinks nothing less of you because of it. He seeks to comfort you and encourage you. He came to give you life and give it more abundantly. I hope this blesses you. 

-Diana