This Body
This Body of mine has carried me through this life
A life I call amazing
A life which fascinates me
She has housed my soul and my thoughts
She has bore the weight of a thousand tears
She has carried me through anguish and joy and love and loss
She has held my spirit as walked through my journey of heart, gained maturity and self discipline
She has walked me through doors and into a life I needed but never knew
She has been faithful and steadfast in her duties throughout the sleepless nights of dance parties to the sleepless nights of young motherhood
She has held strong
This body has spent 48 months pregnant and 86 months breastfeeding, many of those overlapping. She has cradled and carried 48 pounds of baby within her womb.
Despite all these magnificent feats and decades of faithful service my Body has endured abusive words, hate fueled pokes, jabs, tugs, and pinches. Measured against other bodies, other lives, other women's achievements or abuses. I have carried pure disdain for her perceived betrayals. The betrayal of carrying excess weight and stretched skin. The betrayal of lacking in melanin. The betrayal of showing signs of wear after battling though years of A+ effort. Disdain for normal signs of aging such as tiny little lines around my eyes.
A few years ago I came to accept that I had body dysmorphia which is basically an obsession and distorted perception of body flaws. I was exposed to this behavior my whole life and honestly thought all women were supposed to be this way. I'd say my body criticisms became especially warped when I had my first child at 20. I was not prepared to experience the changes I was left with and I found it all very disorienting.
Throughout my 20's I focused on health and fitness and learned everything I could. I devoured educational articles and scripted workout plans. I knew every health trend and new study. I knew what was best and what was right and that became something I call Moral Dieting. Moral Dieting is when you associate your worthiness, value, and morality with how healthy you are. Back then it was merely buying organics and whole grains, no HFCS, free range chicken.... I was very moral spending HUNDREDS of dollars a week at Whole Foods to make sure I was doing the most bestest best goodest things. I balanced my morality with dolce vita indulgences because food is celebration to me and I believe in celebrating life! I maintained a high level of food quality until I adopted 2 kids who really liked McDonald's and my household got flipped upside down. Sweets and food are significant boding tools for children of trauma so we made their connection a priority over my ideals.
Throughout this time I was generally 20-30lbs over my highest ideal weight. I would work out and not lose. I would try to diet and then want to die so I would stop. There was one time when I fought tooth and nail and obsessed over every bite and hit the gym daily....it took me 3 moths to lose 10 lbs and I gained it back +5 within the next 6 months. I felt like nothing ever worked for me. I had the drive and the knowledge but in application it was a nightmare. People would always say a diet was manageable and they felt great but my body would revolt and do whatever it could to maintain homeostasis (my current weight).
Oh, I've failed to mention that throughout this decade of life I was dying of insecurity, so uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to dress well and hide but not hide at the same time. There were periods when I would refuse to leave the house because I hated the way I looked. I would say things like, "this is so f**king disgusting. Oh my god. What the hell is going on? No wonder no one likes me I am disgusting. What is the point. Why am I even wearing makeup? Just lipstick on a pig. I'm f**king stupid, ugh whatever." and that is how I would get ready for church every Sunday. Sometimes I would just refuse to go.
After I had my 3rd child I was 40 lbs over my healthy weight and very uncomfortable this is when the greatest circumstantial blessing of my life occurred and I got divorced. Throughout that experience I somehow dropped ALL the weight that had eluded me for so long (as well and an extra 250lbs of dead weight if ya know what I mean!) I didn't do anything intentional other than not eat for the first week of the trauma and I hit the gym with the same regularity I had in the past. I chalk it up to a gift from God and possibly a side effect of relocating to high elevation.
This was such a huge blessing. The freedom I felt without the extra weight was incredible. The stress was gone. I felt like me. I didn't feel like I needed to change anything. It was even easy to maintain!
Until......I became pregnant with #4. I gained my standard 45 lbs throughout the pregnancy, stayed active, and wound up 10lbs over my starting point. Nine months later I became pregnant again gaining 45lbs total and ending up another 10 lbs heavier. I was back where I started all those years ago!!! I had no idea how I would be able to manage any attempt at weight loss with a 1 year old, a newborn, aaaaaannnddddd 6 other kids!
At this point I knew that at the very least I needed to nourish my body after all she had been through. I came back to basics and outlined a nutritionally perfect meal plan full of produce and healthy fats and grains and all the good things. I called this plan NuVegan...plant based like a vegan but totally embraces animal products. I'm a big fan of branding even if it's only to myself! I followed this plan which resulted in glowing skin, energetic vibrancy, and horrific gas. Totally worth it. I soaked up this first year of my daughter's life and my fleeting time with the babies.
A few months later, into the summer I felt a call on my life to be at home, to rest, to be at peace. Part of this peace meant I could no longer be in anguish because of the physical appearance of my Body. The horrific things I used to tell myself were no longer acceptable. My husband was also faithful in calling out my hypocrisy when I would eat cookies or refuse to workout. I couldn't say I wanted change and then refuse to put in the work. I vowed to not badmouth myself or complain about my weight, to myself or to anyone else. I was ready for this step so it wasn't too hard. The next step was to come to terms with the body I had at the moment. This was difficult and completely against my nature and instinct. I felt like I was lowering myself as I accepted something I believed was substandard and unacceptable. However, I knew I had to figure this out. I began to hold my belly. Now... this belly has been stretched to hold (4) nine pound babies and (1) eleven pound baby....I am barely 5'3" so these are spectacular stats, okay? Not only would I rest my hand on my belly but I decided the loose skin was now my friend. I would grab onto it and check in throughout the day, yep, still there! I desensitized myself to something that I had previously considered absolutely deplorable. After about 2 months it no longer bothered me. I quit writing my Sunday night diet and exercise goals for the week. I quit looking at sizes and continued to wear full panel maternity pants because I had lost the will to strive to meet my own narrow and abusive body standards. I had been set free from the hate, this process took about 6 months.
The next year I began working outside the home as a tax preparer. Transitioning from busy mom to sitting 20 hours a week meant that I packed on another 10 pounds. The new season in life also meant I had less time or concern for healthy meals. We also dealt with financial struggles which translated to quantity not quality when it came to groceries. This was it for me.
I now had absolutely ZERO time to workout, I had ZERO energy to spend on dieting. I was the biggest I had ever been outside of pregnancy and I felt absolutely horrible. My face didn't look like me. I am an intelligent, knowledgeable, vibrant and beautiful woman on the inside and on the outside I was bloated, I began to get acne, and I felt like a gross misrepresentation of my Spirit. I wasn't mad. I didn't hate myself but I sure as hell hated the way I felt. I hated the way people spoke to me. I hated that I was invisible. I didn't know where to start. I didn't have any wells of motivation. In the past I was always motivated by my disgust but I no longer felt that way!
Once summer hit I attempted to embrace my NuVegan diet but I couldn't maintain it. My youngest babies were 16 months and almost 3 years old. Life was SO busy. I didn't know what else to do so I threw up my hands and told God:
"I quit! I am not going to attempt anything or think about losing weight until the baby is 3. I will deal with being an obese mom and I will not complain because I have no options here and I am very tired.....unless someone tells me exactly what to do then I will do what they say."
Boy, does God have a sense of humor! I hadn't shared my recent outlook or prayer with anyone. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when my girlfriend and I are talking about my birthday plans and out of the blue she says "I HAVE A MEAL PLAN FOR YOU"........what a....sweet and precious friend. So here I am, I know full well I specifically asked God for this exact thing and here he is delivering exactly what I needed..there is literally no way I can back out of this. I blindly accept (not to her, to her I threw a fit. I accepted in my heart what I needed to do) whatever she was about to tell me because it is exactly what I asked for. If you can envision a teenager slumping their shoulders forward and throwing their head back and groaning in regret and rebellion, you bet that's exactly how I responded. God bless that woman.
After a few weeks of sorting out the details I was ready to move forward with her. I signed my name on the dotted line. I had so much anxiety about the hell I may have been about to enter. I loved this friend so much that failure was not an option. Because she was taking the responsibility of holding me accountable I would not dishonor her efforts. I lost 25 lbs in about 3 months. Painlessly. Minimal effort. Too easy, too simple. I didn't even know what to do with myself. It was spectacular. I was so obnoxiously thrilled! Unfortunately, after this time period we moved to a new house (mid November) which also means mid birthday season in our house and also just ahead of tax season. I went off program for a number of reasons, one of the reasons was that I was so thrilled with what I had achieved I needed to psychologically catch my breath and deal with other emotional aspects that has been effecting my weight.
This year has been as eventful as all the rest. I'm trying to find a balance of life and love and work and motherhood. I've made great strides in so many areas. I am proud of where I am and who I am. I am content with our current life status although there is no way this is where I want to stay. I have goals. I am reviving my dreams. I am acknowledging the call on my life to love women and to help them find freedom. I am CONTINUALLY fighting for my own freedom. Navigating my current responsibilities alongside stewarding my future and it is honestly exhausting.
Today marks the day that I am committing the next season of my life to loving women and walking alongside them on their journey of health, discovery, and freedom. I don't always know what that looks like but I am not afraid of the challenge. I personally have a lot more work to do on my journey. I want to see 1000 lives changed and I want to see 1000 women set free from the chains of dysfunctional food relationships and the bondage of a Body that doesn't feel in line with the heart.
So there you have it. I'm here. This is my story. This is my launching pad. Can I walk alongside you as we navigate your freedom together?
A life I call amazing
A life which fascinates me
She has housed my soul and my thoughts
She has bore the weight of a thousand tears
She has carried me through anguish and joy and love and loss
She has held my spirit as walked through my journey of heart, gained maturity and self discipline
She has walked me through doors and into a life I needed but never knew
She has been faithful and steadfast in her duties throughout the sleepless nights of dance parties to the sleepless nights of young motherhood
She has held strong
This body has spent 48 months pregnant and 86 months breastfeeding, many of those overlapping. She has cradled and carried 48 pounds of baby within her womb.
Despite all these magnificent feats and decades of faithful service my Body has endured abusive words, hate fueled pokes, jabs, tugs, and pinches. Measured against other bodies, other lives, other women's achievements or abuses. I have carried pure disdain for her perceived betrayals. The betrayal of carrying excess weight and stretched skin. The betrayal of lacking in melanin. The betrayal of showing signs of wear after battling though years of A+ effort. Disdain for normal signs of aging such as tiny little lines around my eyes.
A few years ago I came to accept that I had body dysmorphia which is basically an obsession and distorted perception of body flaws. I was exposed to this behavior my whole life and honestly thought all women were supposed to be this way. I'd say my body criticisms became especially warped when I had my first child at 20. I was not prepared to experience the changes I was left with and I found it all very disorienting.
Throughout my 20's I focused on health and fitness and learned everything I could. I devoured educational articles and scripted workout plans. I knew every health trend and new study. I knew what was best and what was right and that became something I call Moral Dieting. Moral Dieting is when you associate your worthiness, value, and morality with how healthy you are. Back then it was merely buying organics and whole grains, no HFCS, free range chicken.... I was very moral spending HUNDREDS of dollars a week at Whole Foods to make sure I was doing the most bestest best goodest things. I balanced my morality with dolce vita indulgences because food is celebration to me and I believe in celebrating life! I maintained a high level of food quality until I adopted 2 kids who really liked McDonald's and my household got flipped upside down. Sweets and food are significant boding tools for children of trauma so we made their connection a priority over my ideals.
Throughout this time I was generally 20-30lbs over my highest ideal weight. I would work out and not lose. I would try to diet and then want to die so I would stop. There was one time when I fought tooth and nail and obsessed over every bite and hit the gym daily....it took me 3 moths to lose 10 lbs and I gained it back +5 within the next 6 months. I felt like nothing ever worked for me. I had the drive and the knowledge but in application it was a nightmare. People would always say a diet was manageable and they felt great but my body would revolt and do whatever it could to maintain homeostasis (my current weight).
Oh, I've failed to mention that throughout this decade of life I was dying of insecurity, so uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to dress well and hide but not hide at the same time. There were periods when I would refuse to leave the house because I hated the way I looked. I would say things like, "this is so f**king disgusting. Oh my god. What the hell is going on? No wonder no one likes me I am disgusting. What is the point. Why am I even wearing makeup? Just lipstick on a pig. I'm f**king stupid, ugh whatever." and that is how I would get ready for church every Sunday. Sometimes I would just refuse to go.
After I had my 3rd child I was 40 lbs over my healthy weight and very uncomfortable this is when the greatest circumstantial blessing of my life occurred and I got divorced. Throughout that experience I somehow dropped ALL the weight that had eluded me for so long (as well and an extra 250lbs of dead weight if ya know what I mean!) I didn't do anything intentional other than not eat for the first week of the trauma and I hit the gym with the same regularity I had in the past. I chalk it up to a gift from God and possibly a side effect of relocating to high elevation.
This was such a huge blessing. The freedom I felt without the extra weight was incredible. The stress was gone. I felt like me. I didn't feel like I needed to change anything. It was even easy to maintain!
Until......I became pregnant with #4. I gained my standard 45 lbs throughout the pregnancy, stayed active, and wound up 10lbs over my starting point. Nine months later I became pregnant again gaining 45lbs total and ending up another 10 lbs heavier. I was back where I started all those years ago!!! I had no idea how I would be able to manage any attempt at weight loss with a 1 year old, a newborn, aaaaaannnddddd 6 other kids!
At this point I knew that at the very least I needed to nourish my body after all she had been through. I came back to basics and outlined a nutritionally perfect meal plan full of produce and healthy fats and grains and all the good things. I called this plan NuVegan...plant based like a vegan but totally embraces animal products. I'm a big fan of branding even if it's only to myself! I followed this plan which resulted in glowing skin, energetic vibrancy, and horrific gas. Totally worth it. I soaked up this first year of my daughter's life and my fleeting time with the babies.
A few months later, into the summer I felt a call on my life to be at home, to rest, to be at peace. Part of this peace meant I could no longer be in anguish because of the physical appearance of my Body. The horrific things I used to tell myself were no longer acceptable. My husband was also faithful in calling out my hypocrisy when I would eat cookies or refuse to workout. I couldn't say I wanted change and then refuse to put in the work. I vowed to not badmouth myself or complain about my weight, to myself or to anyone else. I was ready for this step so it wasn't too hard. The next step was to come to terms with the body I had at the moment. This was difficult and completely against my nature and instinct. I felt like I was lowering myself as I accepted something I believed was substandard and unacceptable. However, I knew I had to figure this out. I began to hold my belly. Now... this belly has been stretched to hold (4) nine pound babies and (1) eleven pound baby....I am barely 5'3" so these are spectacular stats, okay? Not only would I rest my hand on my belly but I decided the loose skin was now my friend. I would grab onto it and check in throughout the day, yep, still there! I desensitized myself to something that I had previously considered absolutely deplorable. After about 2 months it no longer bothered me. I quit writing my Sunday night diet and exercise goals for the week. I quit looking at sizes and continued to wear full panel maternity pants because I had lost the will to strive to meet my own narrow and abusive body standards. I had been set free from the hate, this process took about 6 months.
The next year I began working outside the home as a tax preparer. Transitioning from busy mom to sitting 20 hours a week meant that I packed on another 10 pounds. The new season in life also meant I had less time or concern for healthy meals. We also dealt with financial struggles which translated to quantity not quality when it came to groceries. This was it for me.
I now had absolutely ZERO time to workout, I had ZERO energy to spend on dieting. I was the biggest I had ever been outside of pregnancy and I felt absolutely horrible. My face didn't look like me. I am an intelligent, knowledgeable, vibrant and beautiful woman on the inside and on the outside I was bloated, I began to get acne, and I felt like a gross misrepresentation of my Spirit. I wasn't mad. I didn't hate myself but I sure as hell hated the way I felt. I hated the way people spoke to me. I hated that I was invisible. I didn't know where to start. I didn't have any wells of motivation. In the past I was always motivated by my disgust but I no longer felt that way!
Once summer hit I attempted to embrace my NuVegan diet but I couldn't maintain it. My youngest babies were 16 months and almost 3 years old. Life was SO busy. I didn't know what else to do so I threw up my hands and told God:
"I quit! I am not going to attempt anything or think about losing weight until the baby is 3. I will deal with being an obese mom and I will not complain because I have no options here and I am very tired.....unless someone tells me exactly what to do then I will do what they say."
Boy, does God have a sense of humor! I hadn't shared my recent outlook or prayer with anyone. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when my girlfriend and I are talking about my birthday plans and out of the blue she says "I HAVE A MEAL PLAN FOR YOU"........what a....sweet and precious friend. So here I am, I know full well I specifically asked God for this exact thing and here he is delivering exactly what I needed..there is literally no way I can back out of this. I blindly accept (not to her, to her I threw a fit. I accepted in my heart what I needed to do) whatever she was about to tell me because it is exactly what I asked for. If you can envision a teenager slumping their shoulders forward and throwing their head back and groaning in regret and rebellion, you bet that's exactly how I responded. God bless that woman.
After a few weeks of sorting out the details I was ready to move forward with her. I signed my name on the dotted line. I had so much anxiety about the hell I may have been about to enter. I loved this friend so much that failure was not an option. Because she was taking the responsibility of holding me accountable I would not dishonor her efforts. I lost 25 lbs in about 3 months. Painlessly. Minimal effort. Too easy, too simple. I didn't even know what to do with myself. It was spectacular. I was so obnoxiously thrilled! Unfortunately, after this time period we moved to a new house (mid November) which also means mid birthday season in our house and also just ahead of tax season. I went off program for a number of reasons, one of the reasons was that I was so thrilled with what I had achieved I needed to psychologically catch my breath and deal with other emotional aspects that has been effecting my weight.
This year has been as eventful as all the rest. I'm trying to find a balance of life and love and work and motherhood. I've made great strides in so many areas. I am proud of where I am and who I am. I am content with our current life status although there is no way this is where I want to stay. I have goals. I am reviving my dreams. I am acknowledging the call on my life to love women and to help them find freedom. I am CONTINUALLY fighting for my own freedom. Navigating my current responsibilities alongside stewarding my future and it is honestly exhausting.
Today marks the day that I am committing the next season of my life to loving women and walking alongside them on their journey of health, discovery, and freedom. I don't always know what that looks like but I am not afraid of the challenge. I personally have a lot more work to do on my journey. I want to see 1000 lives changed and I want to see 1000 women set free from the chains of dysfunctional food relationships and the bondage of a Body that doesn't feel in line with the heart.
So there you have it. I'm here. This is my story. This is my launching pad. Can I walk alongside you as we navigate your freedom together?
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