A Tiny Piece
I stood in church yesterday holding Rosalie as she squirmed and pushed away from me and watched all the people around us. She is getting close to the age where she would rather crawl and explore than be stuck in my arms. This new dynamic changes how easy it is for me to bring her along. It also changes my identity in a crowd. For the past 8 years I have been able to hide behind a baby or a huge pregnant belly. Its an icebreaker with other moms and an excuse to break away from an uncomfortable crowd and tend to my babies. I have an excuse for carrying extra weight and wearing comfy shoes and elastic waistbands. My babies have been, among other things, a security blanket for me in the world. I stood there yesterday realizing this time was coming to an end and I couldn't help but think how much I have allowed others to assume core identity. As much as I can't stand being considered a "mommy"* I've allowed that label to be put on me more than others.
Through the transition I've had in the last 5 years my perceived identity has been put through the wringer. I am not what I look like to most people. I know to the kid's teachers I look like a wreck, to my "cool" friends I'm far off in mommy land, to church people I was tattooed and struggling. At my core I identify as none of those. It can be so easy to let the world tell you who you are and who they'll allow you to be. It's a lot harder to stand tall and say "I know my hair is dirty, I cried myself to sleep last night, my bank account is in the negative but I assure you, this is not who I am." Its even harder to convince yourself of such things.
You see, your circumstances DO NOT define your identity. You are not poverty. You are not flab. You are not social status, successful investments, or your beauty. You are not your failures, your mistakes, or your shame. There is something different in you, something special. Something more intricately designed than you will ever understand. It may have been buried by layers of heartache. Someone may have tried to destroy it because it didn't fit into their box. It might make you uncomfortable. I've noticed that the more I cling to my core identity, the more I'm found to be either annoyingly judge-able or sincerely loved. I make some people uncomfortable and that's ok because when someone lives in a prison of "shoulds" and "can'ts" the mere expression of freedom sends them violently beyond their comfort zone. I get it. The contrast of my joy and their sense of loss will eat away at them until they eventually want freedom too and nothing is more precious than seeing them make that shift.
If it's been a while, take some time this week to give it a thought. What have you let others speak over you? What have you been told about yourself that holds you back? If you were to come up with a dream for your life that makes you simultaneously giddy with laughter and tremble with fear, what would it be? Give your identity a moment to breathe this week.
*"Mommies" are soft and sweet and gentle and gooey and cute. I am not a mommy.
Through the transition I've had in the last 5 years my perceived identity has been put through the wringer. I am not what I look like to most people. I know to the kid's teachers I look like a wreck, to my "cool" friends I'm far off in mommy land, to church people I was tattooed and struggling. At my core I identify as none of those. It can be so easy to let the world tell you who you are and who they'll allow you to be. It's a lot harder to stand tall and say "I know my hair is dirty, I cried myself to sleep last night, my bank account is in the negative but I assure you, this is not who I am." Its even harder to convince yourself of such things.
You see, your circumstances DO NOT define your identity. You are not poverty. You are not flab. You are not social status, successful investments, or your beauty. You are not your failures, your mistakes, or your shame. There is something different in you, something special. Something more intricately designed than you will ever understand. It may have been buried by layers of heartache. Someone may have tried to destroy it because it didn't fit into their box. It might make you uncomfortable. I've noticed that the more I cling to my core identity, the more I'm found to be either annoyingly judge-able or sincerely loved. I make some people uncomfortable and that's ok because when someone lives in a prison of "shoulds" and "can'ts" the mere expression of freedom sends them violently beyond their comfort zone. I get it. The contrast of my joy and their sense of loss will eat away at them until they eventually want freedom too and nothing is more precious than seeing them make that shift.
If it's been a while, take some time this week to give it a thought. What have you let others speak over you? What have you been told about yourself that holds you back? If you were to come up with a dream for your life that makes you simultaneously giddy with laughter and tremble with fear, what would it be? Give your identity a moment to breathe this week.
*"Mommies" are soft and sweet and gentle and gooey and cute. I am not a mommy.
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