#momguilt
Mom guilt is an idea that irks me. I feel like our society enables moms to make decisions that affect their kids negatively by telling women to deny their feelings of guilt. Generally, if you are feeling hesitant about a decision affecting your child, you need to evaluate all aspects long and hard before you continue. As a mom, I believe a multitude of sacrifices should be made in order to protect the child's best interest. Kids need to come before our comfort or more importantly our own resistance to personal growth. Having said that, I hate the idea of mothers weighed down with guilt and second guessing their choices. We should be confident and own each and every choice we make because they have been thoroughly thought through. When we put serious thought into our choices we know our decisions are for the best of our families.
As a step, adoptive, and biological mom I have often fallen into the trap of "well, child has experienced X hardship so we should make it up to them by Z." It's easy when you love your kids with your whole being to want to ease all their aches and make their whole world sunshine and rainbows. When I have done this I have seen a handful of different messages it gives the kid. The first is "I'm not doing a very good job and I know it." Ouch. Our kids need to have confidence in us. They need to be able to look to us and feel safe in our abilities and leadership. If you know you're making choices that hurt them and you could change those choices, you need to do that. You need to make sacrifices and pave the way to doing better for your child. If you are absolutely stuck doing something that is unpleasant for the kid, explain that to them but you better think long and hard about whether this is an issue of you being unwilling to change, fight, or struggle.
Secondly, we are telling them "because I'm not perfect, I OWE you something." Ew ew ew! Have you ever been in a romantic relationship with someone who feels like you owe them? Like the fact that you're not perfect requires you to pay a penance?........sorry I just threw up. I DO NOT want my children to have that mindset towards anyone at anytime ever in all of their lives. Thirdly, we are telling our kids "everything in life must be comfortable and make you happy." Please just don't. Do not tell them that. Do not let them believe that. Let them fail, let them work, let them be annoyed, let them be disappointed (especially by you!), let them be uncomfortable. These things are invaluable character builders. As long as the rest of your relationship is full of love and acceptance they'll be absolutely fine. I promise.
My point is, don't bend rules or indulge your children to make up for your perceived (by you) shortcomings. Be intentional and thoughtful as a parent. Have confidence in your decisions, every single one of them. Educate yourself on how they are viewing things, talk to them, read parenting books, and LISTEN. Have a real relationship with them as if they are real people even when they are babies. Make sacrifices, do things that seem impossible, have high standards for your way of life and theirs. Demand the best for them and demand it from yourself. If you're struggling with a decision envision them at 22 years old, angry with you for making that decision, and use your most logical and selfless words to justify it to them. If you sound like an ass you should probably not do it. If your explanation sounds like an excuse and you could have done better, do not do it. Push yourself. Have I said that? It's really important. There is no place for guilt when you are doing your best.You are enough. Your love and acceptance is enough for them.
As a step, adoptive, and biological mom I have often fallen into the trap of "well, child has experienced X hardship so we should make it up to them by Z." It's easy when you love your kids with your whole being to want to ease all their aches and make their whole world sunshine and rainbows. When I have done this I have seen a handful of different messages it gives the kid. The first is "I'm not doing a very good job and I know it." Ouch. Our kids need to have confidence in us. They need to be able to look to us and feel safe in our abilities and leadership. If you know you're making choices that hurt them and you could change those choices, you need to do that. You need to make sacrifices and pave the way to doing better for your child. If you are absolutely stuck doing something that is unpleasant for the kid, explain that to them but you better think long and hard about whether this is an issue of you being unwilling to change, fight, or struggle.
Secondly, we are telling them "because I'm not perfect, I OWE you something." Ew ew ew! Have you ever been in a romantic relationship with someone who feels like you owe them? Like the fact that you're not perfect requires you to pay a penance?........sorry I just threw up. I DO NOT want my children to have that mindset towards anyone at anytime ever in all of their lives. Thirdly, we are telling our kids "everything in life must be comfortable and make you happy." Please just don't. Do not tell them that. Do not let them believe that. Let them fail, let them work, let them be annoyed, let them be disappointed (especially by you!), let them be uncomfortable. These things are invaluable character builders. As long as the rest of your relationship is full of love and acceptance they'll be absolutely fine. I promise.
My point is, don't bend rules or indulge your children to make up for your perceived (by you) shortcomings. Be intentional and thoughtful as a parent. Have confidence in your decisions, every single one of them. Educate yourself on how they are viewing things, talk to them, read parenting books, and LISTEN. Have a real relationship with them as if they are real people even when they are babies. Make sacrifices, do things that seem impossible, have high standards for your way of life and theirs. Demand the best for them and demand it from yourself. If you're struggling with a decision envision them at 22 years old, angry with you for making that decision, and use your most logical and selfless words to justify it to them. If you sound like an ass you should probably not do it. If your explanation sounds like an excuse and you could have done better, do not do it. Push yourself. Have I said that? It's really important. There is no place for guilt when you are doing your best.You are enough. Your love and acceptance is enough for them.
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